That may sound silly, because everyone should know better, right? But researchers find that self-reports of social competence are poor predictors of actual behavior. So to act as a baseline, researchers measured social competence in over 90 male and female college students by having them rate the effectiveness of a behavior in social contexts, like the workplace, and matched their answers to the general consensus. The first study was similar to this in that it had participants choose four plausible courses of action to 30 work-related scenarios, e.g., “Bob and Linda want to go into business together, so they should have a discussion about mutual goals.” The second study asked participants to respond to provoking events, such as a friend calling them stupid, and the third had participants record frustrating events in a diary for two weeks. Across each study, participants with higher levels of social competence were less angry and neurotic—two predictive traits of provocation-related aggressions—as well as less likely to endorse physical aggression and hostile behavior. More from Prevention: How Do You Express Anger? But is there more to it than that? “I believe aggression and explosive behavior is more likely when someone stuffs their anger and unresolved feelings on a regular basis,” says Deb Castaldo, PhD, MS, a social work professor at Rutgers University-New Brunswick. “Feelings can build up and cause psychological distress as well as physical illness.” “Resolving conflict productively has to do with one’s willingness and ability to say what is bothering them, and also to receive feedback about things they are doing that are bothersome to others in their life,” says Dr. Castaldo. Since healthy conflict is a normal part of relationships, what can people with lower level of social competence levels do? Don’t repress, says Dr. Castaldo. “Express yourself appropriately, as quickly as possible, and stay calm and respectful. If you can’t, step away, breathe, and do not reengage until you can.” More from Prevention: The Healthy Way To Get Angry When you do reengage, keep it short. Stick to a few sentences that get across what’s bothering you, what you’re feeling, and what the person can do to improve the situation, says Castaldo. What not to do: get defensive. (A trait we’ve already reported harms your relationship.) You want to be open to the other person’s point of view, which may or may not include what you are doing to stew the pot. If that’s the case, apologize for your part in the conflict and say what you will do for the other person to help heal the difference, says Dr. Castaldo. “Above all else, commit to staying respectful at all times.” More from Prevention: Stop A Fight In Its Tracks
