Couples who handle their disagreements in a negative way, for example, don’t heal as well, finds a new study from Ohio State University’s Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research. Forty-two couples agreed to have tiny suction wounds made on the palms of their hands. Afterward, they talked to each other about marital sore spots like money, in-laws, or whether to see The Pink Panther or Tristan & Isolde. The couples in happy marriages mended very quickly, while those in nasty relationships characterized by zingers, sarcasm, and put-downs, healed 40% more slowly. However, the women’s bodies proved to be far more sensitive to hostile remarks than the men’s, says Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, PhD, who heads up the research and is director of health psychology at OSU’s College of Medicine. “Biologically, the different reactions women have to a husband who says ‘You idiot’ versus ‘I guess you and I just see this differently’ are enormous,” she says. “Women just have a more intense physiological reaction to hostility in relationships than men do.” This happens, she says, for two reasons: First, women tend to evaluate negativity in their own relationships accurately, “while men tend to be semi-oblivious to it.” And second, even when the negativity registers with men, “they tend to forget it quickly, while women will often relive the angry exchanges over and over, for hours.” More from Prevention: The Secret To Happy Relationships?[pagebreak] Evidence of slow-healing wounds is the latest from the lab of husband-and-wife researchers Kiecolt-Glaser and Ronald Glaser, MD, an immunologist and director of OSU’s Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research. Earlier research by the Glasers had demonstrated that couples who growled the most at each other had weaker immune systems for a 24-hour period after tense discussions, with fewer “natural killer” cells and T cells, both key in fighting off illness—and women were more affected than men. The researchers have shown that, in addition to affecting cellular activity, discord elevates stress hormones throughout the body. For that study, the Glasers chose 90 newlywed couples, carefully screened for their pristine mental and physical health. The lovebirds were asked to have a tense conversation about a high-conflict subject, and researchers continually measured their blood for 24 hours for cortisol and three other leading stress hormones (selected because they are known to have a direct impact on immunity). Although both men and women were affected, women’s hormones remained high, sometimes for hours. Not only did the stress hormones stay cranked, but they also predicted divorce: Ten years later, 19% of the couples had parted ways. All in this group had higher levels of three of the four stress hormones monitored. Women don’t seem to get used to nastiness and negativity, even in good marriages. The Glasers have also studied happy older couples who had been married an average of 42 years. Just like in the newlyweds, stress hormones increased during conflict, but only for the women. What has struck Kiecolt-Glaser most over the years about health and relationships, she says, is the way raw biology trumps any Dr. Phil-inspired emotional breakthroughs. “It would be nice if we could just say to ourselves, I should be more thick-skinned and not take his remarks so personally, but women can’t seem to shut it off like that. It’s not like there’s a hearing aid we can yank out of our ears. Our research shows that if the bad feelings and hostility are still alive in you emotionally, then they’re still affecting you physically.” More from Prevention: 12 Ways To Fix Your Marriage
