These findings, from Good In Bed, are especially surprising when you consider that most of the women were in long-term relationships or marriages and reported that the quality and frequency of their orgasms increased with age. So what gives? In short, we’re distracted. For men and women, mental distraction was ahead of other orgasm-inhibiting factors (like inadequate stimulation and foreplay)—and both sexes said this decreased their satisfaction in the relationship. That might be why, by and large, Americans’ sexual satisfaction is on the decline, according to a different poll, by Trojan: In  2011, 76% of respondents said they were happy with their sex lives. A year later, that dropped 9 points, to 67%. (For other reasons interest can dwindle in women over 40—and how to fix it—check out The New Science of Sensational Sex.) Which may explain the popularity of karezza, an on-the-rise trend where couples purposefully have sex without reaching orgasm. If that’s a head-scratcher for you, you’re not alone. “This practice doesn’t make sense for healthy couples who want to enjoy sexual intimacy,” says Ian Kerner, PhD, sex therapist and author of She Comes First.  But faking it doesn’t make sense, either. To get back on track—especially if orgasm-free karezza isn’t for you—here’s what to do:

  1. For starters, stop it. “I always think it’s better to communicate instead of faking it,” says Kerner. But that doesn’t mean you should necessarily communicate about faking it—which could be extremely hurtful to a partner of any gender. Focus instead on what you want moving forward.
  2. Speak up. “Guys would much prefer honesty and information,” says Kerner. Maybe you need more novelty, adventure, or want to shake bedroom boredom with erotica and sex toys. (Not sure what kind of erotica is for you? Choose one from our list of 8 Sexy Books for the Bedroom.) Whatever it is, let him know.
  3. Don’t give up. Climaxing is not the be-all, end-all of sex, but, says Kerner, “If a couple is in a healthy relationship, I don’t see any reason to not have an orgasm.” If you want some help, check out our natural libido boosters for women in our 10 New Tips for Sizzling Sex, or check out Kerner’s book. If all goes well, you’ll never fake it—or lose it—again. 
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